How can Allies help the LGBTQIA+ Community?
They Can’t
Before everyone starts screaming and shouting and giving their own opinions, please understand this the way I mean it. I started writing this piece with the burning desire to tell other allies that they can be supportive of all folx in the LGBTQIA+ community and thought I’d ask people from within the community to tell me how. I’m not saying I asked 50,000 people and that this is in any way all-encompassing. But I asked some people who have been through various phases in their lives in dealing with being labelled as different; coming out to their friends and families; being strong voices and advocates for those who are still scared to speak for themselves and being comfortable with who they are.
I started writing this as a cishet person with a saviour complex. I wanted to help the community, be there for them, and stand up for them. However, once the answers to my interview questions started coming in I realised how hypocritical this whole thing was turning out to be. I was doing exactly what I hated men doing for Women on Women’s Day and Women’s issues. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve thought, ‘Oh, please! Like you know what we’ve been through to be able to wax on in a public forum like you have and continue to do so!’ I realised I was in that same spot. It isn’t about me. It is about being an ally without having to announce it. It is about shutting the hell up and letting LGBTQIA+ folx do their thing and being there for them if and when they need it, not when they have to ask for it.
Of the people I interviewed, some have given their consent to have their details shared here and the rest would prefer to remain anonymous. What follows will be a little bit of a Q&A and some inferences on my part because this piece is now about us listening to what LGBTQIA+ folx want, not cishet people pushing their agenda.
I’d like to introduce my protagonists here:
Aashish Mehrotra is a 36-year-old Chief Video Officer from Mumbai who identifies as bisexual. He realised this at 30 and came out to his wife who was supportive and wanted to know how she could help. He doesn’t face any challenges when he tells other people about his identity or orientation outside of his regular circle. In his own words, “I think because of my age, social status, economic status and caste people are careful about saying anything negative.”
Anvika* is a 30-year-old Cisgender girl who identifies as queer. She says, “I don’t think it was a full realisation — especially because I had had long term fulfilling relationships with men before. I found out in parts — first labelling it as bi-curious, then wondering if it was more, and having a friend talk me through it for almost a year before I finally came to terms with it.” She shared this with her siblings, close friends and her mentor. She received mostly welcoming reactions with the added “it’s a phase” thing because she had been with men before this, but they were still supportive overall. She hasn’t faced much backlash, which is also because she has been very careful about who she shares this information with. Anvika* often uses the words “partner” etc. to mask the fact that she is sometimes talking about her ex-girlfriend. She once had an ex-boyfriend label it as “something she did to get over him” since she hadn’t been with a woman in a while and also that she wasn’t “queer enough”.
Parakram Rana is a 26-year-old Digital Content Creator who splits his time between Mumbai and Kathmandu and identifies as gay. He knew this from his first memory as a living being and came out to a close friend who was extremely supportive and wanted to be there for him in whatever way he needed. When he tells other people about his identity or orientation outside of his regular circle he feels annoyed when people get over-excited; while others tend to just keep quiet but have many thoughts inside them. He wishes people would be open and honest with him rather than bitchy behind his back.
Janvi Borkakoty is a 33-year-old Client Relationship Manager with a European IT consulting firm. She is originally from Guwahati and is currently based in New Delhi. Although Janvi was born a boy, she has always identified as a girl. She came out to her siblings and was faced with many reactions ranging from support to disbelief to indifference. Janvi feels fortunate to have mostly associated with allies in different spheres of her life and typically does not face any issues in regular society as a trans woman.
Nitin* is a 29-year-old F&B Professional who has lived in America and India and, identifies as gay. He first came to this realisation during his early teens. Over the years he has come out to many people starting with family and friends and managing to speak to random strangers about it as well. His journey has not been easy, with initial reactions of disbelief, judgement and indifference. But more often than not this information was welcomed and supported and some people felt honoured that he chose to tell them this. He has found that people outside of India are more open and accepting of his choices and behaviour. This is part of the reason why he doesn’t want to stay in India. He’d rather rough it out abroad than face judgement here and quite frankly I don’t blame him.
Umang* is a 32-year-old man from Bangalore* who identifies as bisexual. He knew he was different at the age of 8 and finally accepted and realised it at the age of 12. He’s one of the lucky few who had only positive reactions to his coming out and doesn’t face any challenges when other people find out that he is bisexual.
Sarthak is a 33-year-old Product designer from New Delhi who identifies as bisexual. He realised this when he was 15 years old and says romantic comedies did the trick for him. He came out to his siblings and their initial reaction was that of disbelief. That dreaded phrase many people have to deal with at some point — “This is just a phase, you’ll get over it.” But he remained determined and eventually, his family came around. Even though it has been 18 years since he came out, it is still difficult for him to explain this to others because he feels that people end up acting weird when they are trying to act supportive of something they used to make fun of earlier. In his own words, “I don’t blame them because we are not nourished in a gender-neutral environment.”
Gurnoor Kaur Behl is a 30-year-old versatile woman. She is Creator - Online Personal Brands and Founder - House Of GKB. She identifies as Homoflexible and knew she felt differently at the age of 12. She came out to a close friend who was very welcoming and received the information positively. One of the strange things she has encountered is that when she tells people or they discover the way she identifies herself they don’t know how to respond and end up congratulating her. She laughs it off now because it is such a common reaction but always wonders what they’re congratulating her for? In her own words, “They congratulate (me) but I don’t need that, really. I mean I don’t congratulate people for being straight.”
Jigar Vora is a 38-year-old dynamic creative consultant who has never viewed people or things through the prism that society has constructed. He identifies as gay and came out to everyone close to him a couple of years ago — family, friends, colleagues and his wife. Yes, Jigar was married for a couple of years and eventually realised that he couldn’t keep up the farce anymore. He knew he had to get out and put into action the steps required at the time. His journey has been tumultuous with varying reactions and the anxiety that follows telling new people. While it has always been liberating for him to let people know, it’s the judgement that follows the process that he continues to face challenges with. “There have been instances when I feel that men especially want to stay away from me if they know I am interested in men.”
Rayyan Monkey is a 30-year-old Content Strategist, Creative Director and Co-chieftess at The Fatsmeagol Collective. She doesn’t like being boxed in so I’m going to put in her answers as they are. She describes herself as Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Queer, Gender non-conforming, Non-Binary, Gender Queer and Pansexual. When asked about when she knew she felt different, here’s what Rayyan had to say, “That is a little hard to say. Gender and sexuality are two different things. I guess I knew I was bisexual since I was seven. But I only finally properly accepted it after I was 25 I guess. Then I would tell people that I am bisexual. I realised consciously that I was genderqueer or a trans woman only when I was 29 years old in the year 2020 while watching the documentary Disclosure on Netflix during the lockdown. I started presenting femme for the first time with the awareness of being a trans woman, in January of 2021 and then started presenting femme always in August that year.” That being said almost everyone seems to understand what she is, as in they have known or seen other transgender persons before. But due to preexisting patterns and beliefs, they choose not to accept them. Her biggest challenge remains that some people get really intrusive really quick, without her having ever allowed them to do so. This is oftentimes anxiety-inducing and extremely uncomfortable but she has learned to navigate these situations with aplomb.
Some of these experiences are what most of us hope for in life; love, acceptance and understanding; while other experiences may leave us wanting, hoping and struggling.
Below are some excerpts from the varied experiences my focus group has been through and how they wish things would change. For the rest of us, I hope we can try and understand where they are coming from and what they mean so that we can be better and do better when faced with similar situations.
What is the one thing you wish people would stop asking you when they discover you identify on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum?
Sarthak: ”Who would you prefer — a handsome man or a hot woman? It’s not like choosing between a brownie or muffin!”
Ashish: “Threesome?”
Umang*: “Which do you prefer more, men or women?”
Nitin*: “Some female friends think we’re shopping buddies. Stereotypes. Hate it!”
Parakram: “Are you a girl or boy in the relationship? Also, when they say it’s great to have a gay friend <insert eye rolls>”
Anvika*: “Is this a phase, since you have been with men before? Or is this simply because you are “bitter” about men?”
Janvi: “Individual counselling. I get a lot of requests on my social media from various folks from the community to help them with different perspectives related to their personal lives. My only response to a global forum on this topic is to have a healthy mind. Mental health is the key to leading a happy life (as a trans person).”
Gurnoor: “Who’s the man in the relationship?”
Jigar: “Oh! Then why did you get married?”
Rayyan: “So are you into only men?”
What basic things can the general public do for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole?
This was a pretty unanimous and here’s what the group said the general public can do for the community as a whole:
1. Call others out on discriminatory behaviour
2. Call others out on derogatory remarks
3. Treat them as whole people without judgement
4. Stand with the community when major issues are being discussed
5. Help educate those who don’t know
6. Be human
These are extremely basic things that anyone can do! All it takes is being human.
Whom do you naturally assume will be an ally?
The majority of the answers here indicate that the expectation is highest from those who know them and naturally others in the community. So if you know someone who may be struggling with gender issues or someone confused about their sexuality, try and create a safe space for them to be able to speak to you about it. When they feel safe, I assure you, they will tell you. Until then, wait patiently. Don’t assume you know anything and especially not everything. Don’t judge. Just be there for them.
How would you define an ally?
Sarthak: ”Those who take this responsibly with high standards to represent, fight and stand for those who can not.”
Ashish: “A myth”
Umang*: “An ally is someone who, regardless of their own gender, identity or sexual orientation supports individuals of all kinds in situations of regular life as well as aggression or negative impact.”
Nitin*: “Have an open mind and keep learning. Show up when it matters most to voice your opinion. Show support. Strength is in numbers.”
Parakram: “Those who aren’t from the community and show their support by not taking space of our community and giving those from our community a chance to speak up for themselves. They should speak out against homophobia among their circles of friends and families.”
Anvika*: “Someone who stands by you and stands up for you when you are pushed to the margins. Or even tries to redraw the circle so you cannot be in the margins.”
Janvi: “1. Using correct pronouns 2. Stopping phobic behaviour (homophobia, intolerance, bigotry etc.) 3. Educating yourself (regarding who a trans girl is). Google is the source 4. Understanding the difference between PRIDE and The parade 5. Being proactive and stepping up to show support.”
Gurnoor: “Someone who is supportive, motivated and open-minded enough to allow you to discover yourself. Someone who doesn’t question you if you are transitioning or discovering yourself. Allies are so important as they give you an outer world perspective. They look at you as a human being like themselves, not as a queer human. Also, it’s nothing to boast about. ”
Jigar: “Someone who supports, understands, accepts and behaves normally without any filters.”
Rayyan: “To me anyone who helps and supports me in working towards having a safer and socially positive life is an ally. To me personally an ally may be cis-gender or heteronormative or queer. Anyone who supports me and accepts my identity and loves me is an ally.”
How do you feel an ally can help you?
Sarthak: ”Well, I never felt the need.”
Ashish: “Minding their own business and not interfering in ours. Shut Up and back off.”
Umang*: “Verbal, visual, physical, emotional, psychological or creative support is to be offered without judgement, but to also tell it like it is when things are being missed on account of experience bias. Simply being present is sometimes enough.”
Nitin*: “By listening, learning. Having an open mind.”
Parakram: “By giving us the opportunities that are mostly taken away by cishet people.”
Anvika*: “I don’t think personally I have gone through much that I think an ally can help me with. This has been a decently smooth ride for me. But I know that is not the case for most other folx I know. And I wish they just normalised this more — like queer folx didn’t have to “prove” anything to them, or behave in a way that they understood queer, or even have to be beacons of queer activism — “oh, you don’t attend pride?” “you aren’t out to everyone yet?” translates as you aren’t liberated enough.”
Janvi: “Everything I said earlier — Using correct pronouns. Stopping phobic behaviour (homophobia, intolerance, bigotry etc.) Educating yourself. Understanding the difference between PRIDE and The parade. Being proactive and stepping up to show support.”
Gurnoor: “They give me the confidence to be myself more openly. I feel like they have my back. And they don’t treat me differently. They make me feel secure.”
Jigar: “By behaving normally with me and thinking more in generic terms than in patriarchal terms. It’s not necessary that every kid who is a boy needs to have a girlfriend only. This thought process is what makes the people I live with more biassed and that does not help much at all. Along with it, communicating about our needs, our love life, considering us as normal a human as anyone is. ”
Rayyan: “By allowing me to feel validated in society. By making me feel seen and accepted, loved and valued. This goes a long way in giving me the confidence to keep on going on the course I have charted for myself.”
What do you feel when you see rainbow coloured logos as brand gestures during Pride Month?
This map is indicative enough that the rainbow elicits mixed feelings but here are some interesting questions and points that came up when this question was posed.
- Why isn’t this there everyday of the month too? Also it doesn’t communicate support, it’s just branding for inclusivity.
- It feels good. However, I question if it’s only a gimmick or if they actually have those values. The “rainbow colours” should be visible all year round.
- I find it ridiculous and two faced. Absolute rainbow washing. Brands need to support those from our community throughout the year for their rainbow coloured logos to have any value during pride month.
- If you’re really supportive, you’d show it through daily action and policy, not just a rainbow logo.
- Ugh, for the charade. But, I love colours, so yay!
- I feel pride :D I have always felt joy and pride looking at the pride flag. It has always represented the ultimate form of total inclusivity to me.
Do you think the rainbow logo as a gesture has any impact on your state of being?
Sarthak: ”Naah!”
Ashish: “(It) doesn’t help and doesn’t harm. It’s just… unnecessary for brands to do.”
Umang*: “Personally, none. A neutral impact for me, but its visibility does create a positive mental impact.”
Nitin*: “Haven’t given this a thought.”
Parakram: “Well, many cishet homophobes/ transphobic (people) at least know that big brands are showing solidarity towards our community so that’s definitely something!”
Anvika*: “I don’t know to be honest. I do know that sometimes it just helps me feel welcomed, and there are moments when that has helped me feel safe even if I am not fully out yet.”
Janvi: “It’s a feel good factor for me. Doesn’t affect my life in any other way.”
Gurnoor: “Yes. It adds a sense of security.”
Jigar: “I like the rainbow logo as a gesture. But I feel some folks can just use it as a fad and not really for impact. Subtle representation is good, working towards impact is better. ”
Rayyan: “Yes it does. Sometimes I wear my rainbow chain with pride, when I feel confident. Because I want everyone to know that I am queer. I especially wear it in shoots in exotic locations etc. To show the places inclusivity (if authentic) to the community.”
All the people who have been asked these questions are people I either know very well personally or socially. Barring a few who, I think, filled my form just to help me understand better.
I spent a considerable amount of time with Rayyan earlier this year and I was amazed at her openness and generosity with information. She welcomed a bunch of strangers into her life and told us about her journey and experiences. She gave us a platform to ask questions that we may not be able to ask but may want to ask. Rayyan finds that all of this can get extremely confusing for cishet people due to the lack of knowledge about the overall subject. The normalisation of all things to do with gender and sexuality is definitely needed but is just not present in our societal makeup. Resulting in sheer confusion more often than not which leads me to assume that half-baked information is far worse and has the power to do more damage than no information.
What we have here is a select group of people who have chosen to share intimate details about their lives in the hope of helping cishet people understand the ever-evolving ways we describe ourselves today. I asked them all the same questions and we have some interesting answers. Answers that made me rethink the way I view people, the insensitive questions I may have asked as a joke and the stupid things I’ve said without realising how my words may affect someone else.
I realise we cannot fully understand the variables in the life of someone who has had to hide their true selves for a very long time but, we can try. We can be open, understanding and receptive. You may not agree with everything they have to say but you can agree to disagree. You can stand with them even if you don’t know them or fully understand them. You can be an ally without having to shout it from the rooftops. All you have to do is be a nice person and create a safe space. Let them tell you when they want to open up. Whether it is about gender or sexuality, let it be their choice to tell you. Don’t assume everything is about sex, because frankly that is none of your goddamned business.
If the image below is anything to go by, close friends are invariably a part of those who know, followed by siblings. If you are a close friend or a sibling to someone who identifies on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, be mindful and respectful of their choices. Listen to them with the same empathy you reserve for your cishet friends and siblings. If you are a parent, learn from this and pay attention to your children. Some of them may need you more than you can imagine. Be present.
If someone from the LGBTQIA+ community sees you as an ally, you will know. With great power comes great responsibility — you will have the power of knowledge. It will be your responsibility to keep that knowledge to yourself and ensure you don’t out them. So keep your mouth shut and let them do their thing. It isn’t about YOU!
If this was interesting for you and you’d like to know more about the people who are mentioned in my article you can follow some of them on social media. Please remember to be respectful when you do, I’d hate to have them receive weird messages because their details were found here.
Aashish is a witty dog-parent who is super active on Twitter & Instagram. Gurnoor can be found mixing cocktails on her personal Instagram and changing lives on her professional one. Rayyan expresses herself (identity and all) on her personal Instagram and can be found doing some fantastic work on her professional profile. Parakram is a fashion-forward vlogger who can be found doing his thing on Instagram, Twitter and YouTube.
